Angel

No mood to write. No mood to express feelings. I love the picture.

There is a little library hidden in an old street. It is not so small, but there is never anybody. Like a labyrinth. Big bookshelfs, lot of books, some small tables. I meet a man, i have never known before. We began to talk, talk about nothings. His eyes light strange, strange calling, as he looks at my body. He is teasing me, lets play I suggest. Ask anything you want, if I cant answer,-that is a high risk in it-he adds. I love to take risk-i answer. you won, you can ask something from me. We play and i dont fail the answers, just some, and he collects my failed answers. When i say no smileying, teasing, with laughing eyes. -So- and he grabs my breasts, this is for one failed answer, as he caresses me. I just let him to do so, I am lost in his eyes, and I know i get wet. -would you wait for me in the toilet?-he asks suddenly. I just get shocked. But he smiles nicely, that my curiousity awakes. We sit before eatchother telling not a single world. Slowly I stand up, and charming look back, and go to the toilet. I wait there some minutes when he comes in. It seems endless the waiting. -Turn back little girl- He puts my left legs up, and i face the wall, while he stands behind me. He begins to caress me, my thigts. I have a small rock on me, stockings, panties, high boots. -Take off your stockings. I am scared but but somehow too excited. I obey to that man, but i take back the boots. -You are beautiful you know? as he smiles. -Will you fuck me?-Hm maybe,-smiles badly as a grinning evil, as he fingers me. And I want him so much. Then suddenly he whispers to my ears-you will be fucked, little, you are damn wet. he teared down my panties and stuck in my mouth. And slowly he began to fuck me. Slowly, and then more and more rapidly.

Verliebt:-D

Das ist meine neue liebe:-D Ich werde mit einen freund von mir das gehen und ausprobieren:-D Ich wollte das immer lernen. Wenn ich bin gut ich kann zur wettbewerben gehen. Zum beispiel in einem Wood, i have to shot, the versteckte figuren. Und es gibt verschieden regeln. Zum beispiel du musst die königin nicht ermorden nur der zauberei:-D

Going to sleep.

Abend

Die abenden sind immer sehr interresant. wenn ich bin alleine dann dazu, wenn nicht dann dazu. In der nacht wir sind immer immer alleine , auch wenn jemandem schläft neben uns. (by rushdie). Ich denke manchmal, ganz plötzlich an der tage an dich. ganz unerwartet, wenn ich denke an wirklich ganz nichts, oder an wirklich ganz meine studium. Und ich weiss nicht warum. Das ist nicht eine Bedürfniss dass ich möchte ins arm genommen zu sein, oder so etwas, nur dass ich würde gerne dich sehen, und dich treffen, dich nicht anderem. das ist ein vermiss. ich weiss das ist total verrückt, aber das hängt einfach nicht von mir. Wenn ich könnte das kontrollieren ich würde das gerne vergessen. Ich denke nicht so viel an Asia, an Marina, and die anderen mit denen ich den ganzen Tag verbracht habe, als an dich. Entschuldigung das ich es schreibe, aber es hat kein sinn ob ich es schreibe oder nicht. Manchmal ich würde so viel geben nur etwas von dir hören zu können, und dich als einen guten freund haben. Ich bin einfach schwach. Ich hasse schwach zu sein.Ich sollte dass nicht schreiben was ich jetzt geschrieben habe, weil ich habe gelernt, dass wenn ich möchte überleben ich muss meine gefühlen verstecken, immer. Aber manchmal wenn ich das schreibe es ist leichter. Wenn du wüsstes ein paar geschichten was ich ausgedacht habe:-P Diese sind sehr kompliziert:-D

Ich habe etwas in einem Buch gelesen: "I learned that there are people with them we live close together, and they will never get close to us. And there are those who we hardly know, but they are in our heart immediately." Wolf Serno

P.S.: Ich habe vergessen über 2 selbstbefriedigung zu schreiben. Es waren an dem tag ich über die anderen geschrieben habe. aber ich habe an nichts gedacht das war nur bedürfnisse. Dann an nächsten abend, dann am nächsten auch:-D dann an dem tag auch.
Ich warte schon das november, ich werde presentationen machen vor der universität:-D Ich liebe das ich kann glänzen:-D Ich muss schon dass vorbereiten, aber das wird einfach super sein:-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cz5YnrcOU4&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuLyBvg0VL8&mode=related&search=

:-P I have too many energy. I wrote this a year before and it has a story.

He was angry. In an inexpressible way. His anger flowed trought the room, and searched for me circulating near the furniture. The plants sared to cold death, and I closed my eyes, and waited without to dare to breath. I waited for his anger to catch me, and tear me into pieces. In our relationship this was a tabu. He never touched me when he was angry, when he was really angry. We did not meet for days those times, till he was quitened down, so only the parts of his anger could reach me. But now the all was rippling towards me. How he moved int he hall, how he took out his shoes. I stood int he middle of the room quietly, hoping that i would vaporize. But only my wants, and longing for the revange vaporised. My revange with i hurted him so much, in a sweat bitter groove. As I stood there, i could not disappear in a moment, i began to fear. Suddenly the fear overcome in me, that he will leave me. I would have leaved him to hit me till I die, or he would do anything, with he forgive me, with I can concilate him, and I can forget myself in his hugs. I feared so much that he leaves me, throws me away, steps out of the door, and I can never hear his voice again. The thought of his missing restrained me.
I could not imagen what he planes to punish me, but his anger rippled towards to me. As he stepped into the room, and suddenly sticked at, I will never forget that cruel gaze. I could have leaved the room sooner, I could have waited till he calms down, I could begged on my knees. But I faced him. He looked at me also, in my challenging eyes, and turned. I thought he will leave, but he only closed the door behind him quietly. He didnt wanted to waste his energy of his anger for some flapping, lashing the doors. He collected all his energy to me, like I would be a hostile beast he has to defeat, and to bear down, and he knows that the battle will eat up all his power. He looked once more at him with a devil smile on his face I knew so well. OH my god, he know maybe what he does. As a nonbeliever I prayed to my non-existing god. Suddenly he hurried to me, his power trow me to the wall, I stepped back, till I could. He touched me, and i fluttered with all my body. The fear results interesting thing from my body.
If somebody would listen from outside, he could hear the annyoing stilness, and could hear that somebody is tearing out something. For example some paper. Inside the room his anger reached, moved, condensed, and stooped to me. He grabbed me and teared away my clothes. Not paying attention to my skin, he trow my clothes to pieces where he could. He didnt payed attention to me, he didnt take care of me, he didnt spare me. Ha annexed me and raped me brutally. I have never seen in him such a desire to own, and rule. He did not only wanted to be satisfied, but he wanted me, to pain me, to win over me.

:-P

This is not so good. But i need to practice how to draw a body:-P

Orgasm

It is always different, and always the same.

This is a need, a need for my body to forget the word outside.

Like a little kid, that begs, mom, mom I am here, I need you.

We think too much with our head, we pay too much attention to our brain, and nothing for your body. But our mind does not egzist without our body.

This morning my body wanted it so much, so terrible. More than anything. Just to get to reach an orgasm. To have somebodys touch on my breast, on my pussy, in my vagina. To caress, and to give love. It is beautiful that we can give love to ourself, without the help of nobody. That we can help this living wants for sex. To be able to stand up and to begin a day happyly, smileying, and beautiful. To get power from something.

To think about thinks, that we even dont want to be happen one day, but nobody controls our mind, nobody can see it. I can think that i am kidnapped, and offered for the strongest man in the group, and after he used me he asks one of his fellowes when he had been last together with a woman. I kneel naked, i dont dare to speak, dont dare to move. He speaks about me touches my pussy, fingers me. I can think of every little detail, and i can never think of being fucked. Because I already have an orgasm before. This morning, i had an orgasm 2 times, after. the first intensive, the second not so intensive, but i could lessen the hungary my body.

Smiley...:-D

Entschuldigung

Ich fühle micht schlecht. Ich war zu rasch mit dem voriges Brief. Ich möchte mich entschuldigen. Ich möchte dich bitten mich zu bestrafen wenn du denkst auch, dass ich schlecht war.

Ahhh, Ich fühle mich ziemlich schlecht.

Böse

Ich bin böse. Ich versteche nichts. Gar nichts. Natürlich ich denke anders, und du kannst erklären wenn du willst, was sehe ich schlecht. Aber ich weiss nicht ob wir spielen, oder nicht. Und ich weiss in einige situtaionen nicht wie ich reagieren muss. Ich schreibe nur diese sachen weil wenn ich schreibe dass nicht ihc misverstehe sachen vielleicht, ich weiss nicht, und dann würde das zu mir fühlen, das plötzlich ich verliere meine interresse. Und das möchte ich nicht. Weil ich liebe zum spielen, spass haben, für minuten, Na ja, und ich werde total nass sein, wenn es geht um bestrafung:-P

Also du musst es mit sehr open mind lesen:-D

((((Ich fühle mich nichts, einfach etwas was ist gar nichts. Ich habe gesagt, ich hasse nur eine sache. Wenn ich bin ignoriert. Das war eine Lieblingsbestrafung meiner Mutter. Und ich war damals 12. Sie hat mit mir nicht für wochen lang gesprochen, hat meinen Bruder nicht erlaubt mit mir zu sprechen, auch nicht meinem Vater, und ich war nicht schlecht. Ich hatte gar nicht solche sache gemacht, damit ich die liebe der ganze familie verloren konnte. Das hat sie zu often gemacht, Ich hatte auch in der nacht geweint, ich konnte in jedem Minuten weinen, ich werde es nie vergessen. Mein grossmutter hat meiner mutter gesagt das es gibt ein problem mit mir. Ich dürfte niemals zu hause weinen, niemals, weil dann ich war schwach, und meine mutter hat mich geschlagen. Und dann habe ich gelernt, wie ich nicht so sehr lieben muss, und wie ich meiner mutter ignorieren muss. WEil sie hat mir die entschuldigung gegeben wenn ich beteln hatte. Und deshalb hasse ich zu beteln, weil ich fühle mich total schlecht, als ein kleines kind der weisst nicht warum sie ist bestraft, und hat plötzlich die ganze liebe verloren und sie steht alleine in der ganzen Welt. Also ich werde nie nie nie nie nie nie nie nie nie jemadnem beteln, der denkt, das ich bin nichts, und gar nicht wichtig. Und ich würde besser in meinem ganzen leben alleine sein, als mit jemandem sprechen, der möchtet mir nicht sprechen und es ist ein grosses geschank von sie/er das er/sie mit mir spricht. ---Das gehört nicht zu hier.))))

Es ist kein problem mit der zeit. Es ist egal ob nach ein paar tagen, oder woche. Aber wenn du hast kein zeit, warum sagst du es nicht ärhlich? Warum schreibst du gar keine ein paar sätze das du kein zeit hast? Und dann und dann wirst du Zeit haben? Zum beispiel ich hatte eine bestrafung, und keine reagierung dazu, das heisst bei mir, das es war ganz egal ob ich es gemacht habe oder nicht. (und ein kleines reagierung dauert maximum 1 minute)

Aber ich brauche reagierung. Sonst ich habe kein lust zum schreiben. Ich schreibe über sachen die ich nicht allem erzähle. So es ist nicht einfach.

Ok, du hast kein Zeit. Es ist egal warum, aber wenn du hast kein zeit für tagen, wie sollte ich die regeln der Spiel einhalten. Und dann warum, wenn es gibt keine reagierung für das Spiel? Vielleicht es wäre auch egal ob ich lüge, oder nicht. Die Manner, und Frauen die benutzen diese strategie be kommunikation in Ungarn ist immer so, dass sie möchten mit den anderen nicht mehr sprechen. Und ich weiss nicht was das bei dir heisst. Ja du hast gesagt, ich sollte das Fragen? Aber wenn? wie? Letzte Zwei wochen habe ich nur ich dich an msn contactiert. Du mich nicht. Und immer habe ich gefühlt, dass ich dich störe. Und habe immer zu mir gesagt, das nein, nein ich werde warten wenn du willst du wirst mir schreiben. Weil ich möchte nicht mit jemandem sprechen, der möchtet mir nicht. Ich möchte dich nicht stören. Ich werde nicht mit dir sprechen wenn du möchtest das nicht. Und so das fragen ob ich darf mich selbstbefriedigen, oder nicht, ist ein schlechtes gefühl, weil ich fühle das vielleicht ich werde jemandem stören, der möchtet darüber nicht sprechen. (Wir laufen nie nach einem Wagen der möchtet uns nicht mitnehmen.)

Es ist egal was ich schreibe hier. Ich konnte alles schreiben. Ich mache monologe. Aber ich würde gratefull

Das ist rebellion......Mein rebellion.....

Und entschuldigung. Du hast gesagt dass ich soll schreiben was ich denke. jetzt ist besser. Ich fühle sofort, dass ich sollte für den ganzen Brief mich entschuldigen, weil ich habe das nicht objektive geschrieben, sondern mehr aus gefühlen.

Ich bin schrecklich, ich bin schlecht, ich bin nichts, gar nichts.

Also entschulding, ich bin schamefull.

Ich bin auch sehr böse (vielleicht das kommt dazu auch) weil die letzte woche ein mann wollte mich absprechen, und mir ficken, Aber ich wusste dass er hat eine freundin, ich kenne auch das madchen. er war ganz jung, es war gar keine ehe, gar keine kinder, also wenn es nicht funkzioniert warum the hell to be together. Und er würde wütend, böse sein wenn seine freundind würde das mit ihm machen und fremde gehen, er wurde sie sofort auswerfen. aber für ihm es ist erlaubt fremde zu gehen, weil er benötigt dass. Und ich habe ihm nein gesagt, dass ich werde mit ihm nicht ficken. Und dann er: ich bin ein SLUT (ich kann die ungarische nicht übersetzen), und ich werde nie einem freund haben, er war ganz wütend.Und ich habe illusionen wenn ich möchte einen freund haben, weil alle männer sind besetzt. Dazu komment: wir sagen in Ungarn: die Frau die mit allem ins bett geht ist ein slut, die Frau die geht mit allem ins bett, aber mit mir nicht, ist ein grosseres slut. :-PP

Entschuldigung noch einmal. Ich hoffe ich habe nichts schlechtes geschrieben.

Everybody is little naughty sometimes :-P

Slave girl of gor:-D I have read it several times, but still still :-D there is everyhing in it

I turned away, hurrying to follow Clitus Vitellius. I remembered the look he had given me when first, moments ago, he had stopped and turned, and approached me. Never had I seen such lust, possessiveness and desire in a man's eyes. I felt weak. I wondered about the service of how many girls I would have to render to him. He had cast aside the virginal girl, arrogantly, in a warrior's gesture, leaving her for whomsoever might find and desire her. Her slave service, and mine, and more, he would now want from me. I did not know if I could be so much a slave to him.
We were but a short way from the Towers of Warriors, on the second of its approaching high bridges, when again Clitus Vitellius turned and faced me.
"I cannot wait," he said to me.
"Yes, Master," I said. We were on a high bridge, one of the highest in all Ar. The lights of the city were strewn beneath us; above us burned the stars of Gor.
He placed his shield upon the bridge, straps down, its convex surface like a bow facing the stars.
He indicated that I should take my position upon it, and I did so, my head down. With the straps, brought about the sides of the great shield he fastened my wrists apart, one on each side, about at shoulder level, at the edges of the shield. I lay over the shield, bound upon it.
"Now I have you where I want you, Dina," said he, "Earth girl."
"Yes, Master," I said.
Swiftly he took me in his arms. I yielded immediately to my master.
"I love you, Master," I said to him.
His hands were upon my shoulders. He dragged me upward to his pressing mouth, pulling me against the wrist straps which held my wrists at the shield's edges. I thought he might tear me from the shield. Then he flung me back, arched across its surface. I felt his lips at my belly and thighs. I could not protect myself from the fierce ardor to which I must submit. Then again I cried out, lost in my slave's love of him, my master.
He unbound my wrists from the shield. He thrust me from its surface. I rolled to my side, on the bridge. I lay quietly on the bridge, in his collar.
"It is getting late," he said. "I must get you to the love furs."
"Yes, Master," I said.
"Get up," he said. He moved his foot against my body.
I tried to get up, but could scarcely stand. I sank to my hands and knees.
He laughed at me.
I sank to my side. I lifted my hand to him.
"Get up, Earth girl," he said.
"I will try, Master," I said.
But again I fell to my knees.
"Do not beat me, Master," I begged. "You have made me so weak."
"I can smell your weakness," he said.
"Yes, Master," I. said. I was so overcome by my love for him that I could not stand. I had never known such weakness. I felt I had the strength only to lie vulnerably before him, perhaps holding and kissing him, awaiting him. It is, I suppose, one of nature's utilities, reducing the female's effectiveness in self-defense or flight, putting her all the more at the mercy of the stronger beast.
"I cannot walk, Master," I said. "Let me crawl to your furs."
He slung his shield upon his back, and tied his spear, too, beneath the shield's edge, upon his back.
I felt myself lifted gently into his arms. He carried me, my head against his left shoulder, over the bridge and toward the second bridge, leading to the Towers of the Warriors.

Well, well, well:-D From John Norman, my favourite part of the book:-D Slave girl of gor:-D

I served him wine.
I was the only girl in his compartments. I well understood the meaning of this. He had chosen the perfection of one man, the complete master, and one woman, the total slave. It is called the perfect bondage, each all and perfect to the other.
It is right for some men, and not for others. Much depends on whether the man has met his perfect slave and the woman her perfect master.
Clitus Vitellius and I, though I would not have dared tell him, were so related. I think he, too, knew this.
When I had served him wine he gave me, too, to drink of the cup. This was, in its way, a great honor, and a token of his recognition as to how I stood to him. I still, of course, did not dare to drink from the same edge of the cup as he, the master.
I put the cup aside.
At his indication I spread the love furs. I did not spread them upon the couch hut at its foot. I was slave. Only a small lamp burned in the compartment.
At a gesture from Clitus Vitellius I reclined upon the furs, at the foot of the couch.
He slipped away his tunic and crouched beside me. I could see he could scarcely restrain himself from seizing me.
"I'm yours," I told him. I lifted my arms to him. "Take me, Master," I said.
"I care for you," he said.
I regarded him. "Be strong with me, Master," I whispered. "I do not want to challenge you. I do not want to fight you. I want to serve you, and I want to love you. I want to give you all, holding back nothing, ever."
He regarded me.
"Do you not understand, Master?" I asked. "If I had the choice, I would choose not to be free but to be your slave." A woman, I had learned, must choose between freedom and love. Both are estimable virtues. Let each choose which is best for her.
"But I do not give you a choice," he said.
"Of course not, Master," I said. "You are Gorean."
He looked down at the furs.
"Perhaps I will sell you," he said.
"You may do as you wish, Master," I said. I knew I was at his complete mercy, only a bond girl.
He seemed angry.
"Bring me wine, Master," I said.
He looked at me, suddenly.
"A girl is only testing her master," I smiled.
Suddenly he struck me, slapping me cruelly across the mouth. It hurt me. I tasted a bit of blood.
"Do you think," he asked, "that because I care for you I will not be strong with you?"
"No, Master," I said.
I lay in the shadow of the slave ring. A chain and heavy collar lay at the foot of the ring, the chain attached to the ring.
He took the heavy metal collar and closed it about my throat, over and about the lighter collar I wore, confining me at the ring, on the furs at the foot of his couch.
Then he touched me.
"I see you will be strong with me, Master," I said.
"What a fool I am," he said, "to care for a miserable Earth-girl slave."
"I ask only to love and serve you, Master," I said.
"Yet you are attractive," he said.
"A girl is grateful to her master, should he find her pleasing," I said.
"So you would choose to be a slave?" he asked.
"Yes, Master," I said.
"Slut," said he.
"Yes, Master," I said.
"It is I who will decide," he said.
"Yes, Master," I said.
"I decide-" he said.
"Yes, Master," I begged.
"-that you are my slave."
"Yes, Master!" I cried.
Then I writhed in his arms as he took me, exploding in the deepest and most profound ecstasies a female can know, those of the slave orgasm, known only to the owned woman.
"How could I love you so much," he asked, "if I did not truly own you, if you were not fully mine?"
"I do not know, Master," I said. Clitus Vitellius had confessed his love for a slave. I hoped he would not now beat me.
He took me by the hair and thrust my head down to the furs. "A man can truly love only that woman," he said, "who is truly his, who belongs to him. Otherwise he is only a party to a contract."
"A woman," I said, "can love only that man to whom she truly belongs."
"To whom do you truly belong, Slave?" he asked.
"To you, Master," I said.
"You please me, Slave Girl," he said.
"Free me," I said, teasing him.
"Do you wish to feel the whip?" he asked.
"No, Master," I said, quickly, suddenly frightened. I was his. He might do to me what he wanted.
"Beg for your freedom," he said.
"Please free me, Master," I begged.
He laughed. "No," he said. "I do not free you. I will keep you as my slave."
I closed my eyes. I had been Judy Thornton, of Earth. I had been a co-ed at a small but prestigious college. I had been an English major. I had written poetry. I had been popular on campus. Now I was only a branded slave girl, Dina, helpless in the arms of her master. I thought of Elicia Nevins, who had been my beauty rival at the college. She now, too, wore a collar. I wondered if she were as happy in the arms of her master as I in the arms of mine. She had been an anthropologist. I wondered if now she truly understood, perhaps for the first time, the nature of the institution of slavery. Her master had perhaps taught her. I lay blissfully in the arms of Clitus Vitellius, owned.
I opened my eyes.
"Is a girl not to be permitted sometimes to speak her mind?" I asked.
"Perhaps upon occasion," said Clitus Vitellius, "provided she does so upon her knees and at my feet."
"You are a monster, Master," I said.
Then again I felt his body at mine, and I cried out as my legs were thrust apart.
"You are rough, Master!" I chided. Then, frightened, I said, "Forgive me, Master."
He did not beat me.
I began to respond to him, shuddering under the blows of his manhood, and surrendered myself then, content, to the delicious brutality of my ravishment.
He had many ways of taking me, and I must submit to them all, unquestioningly.
We heard men later upon the bridges outside. It was early morning.
I held Clitus Vitellius. "You are very lustful, Master," I told him.
"I am shamed neither by my health nor vitality," he said. He said this as a Gorean, explaining something to an ignorant Earth-girl slave. "And you," he said, "you must know, are an exquisitely responsive she-sleen. Does that shame you?"
"Not any more, Master," I said.
"It is an indication of your vitality and health, and emotional freedom," he said. "It is a sign that you are vigorous and sound, neither psychologically crippled nor diseased."
I had grown free on Gor, though I wore a collar. Strange, collared, I was free. Uncollared I had been a true slave, a prisoner of a pathological culture, ascetic, mechanistic and twisted.
"Perhaps I am emotionally free," I laughed. "But I scarcely am physically free."
"True," he said. He pulled me by the chain at the back of the collar back to my back on the furs at the foot of his couch.
"You keep me a slave?" I asked.
"Of course," he said.
"I never knew I would meet a man who could lust for me and desire me so much," I said, "that he would keep me as a slave."
"You never knew you would meet a man who would satisfy your deepest needs," he said, "the hidden, profound, scarcely understood, secret needs which you yourself scarcely recognized."
"You are a secret dream, which I scarcely dared dream, come true to me, Master," I said.
"And you to me, Slave," said he.
"Will you truly be hard with me, Master?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"Will you truly, though you care for me, keep me as full slave?"
"Yes, Slave," he said.
"Subject even to discipline, if I displease you?" I asked.
"Subject to discipline, at my pleasure, whether you displease me or not," he said.
"My bondage then will be absolute," I said.
"Of course, Slave," he said.
I reached out timidly, to touch him. I kissed him, tenderly, on the shoulder.
"I love you, Master," I said.
"Be silent, Slave," he said, irritably.
"Yes, Master," I said.
He then touched me with sweetness, and tenderness, and I held him closely, but did not speak, lost in his touch, for I, a slave, had been forbidden to speak. He made gentle love to me then, which, I knew, might become abrupt or brutal as he chose. There were a thousand ways to have a slave girl and I did not doubt but what Clitus Vitellius was master of them all. How joyful I was. He was dominant over me. I was subject to him. I was his, completely without qualification. It is impossible for me to express my feelings. Perhaps this is why he had warned me to silence, that I might not try to speak, but would be content to feel what could not, in any language, be spoken. So I did not then try to speak, but, rather, contented myself with turning to the tasks of love.

Report

I have new hair:-D dark as my eyes, and shorter. Beautiful. I have a picture also. A present if somebody wants to have a present. If not, not.
In Germany I dont have to be so beautiful, because there is others, here it is expected. There is a big concurence:-P

I am a little bit sad. I dont like if somebody is lying to me. It is better to say no than to say nothing.

I am thinking that I need some masturbation. Hm. Maybe I will not resist the temptation. Who knows it?:-P If I were You I would surely allowe it.


This was just a short report.

Yesterday I went dancing too.

Spiel, Spass, Bestrafung

:-D Also die Bestrafung: Das war viel mehr spass. Das hangt so sehr von laune wie viel das weh getan ist. Und ich hatte eine sehr sehr gute laune, und ich hatte auch Kraft, zu viel Kraft, wofür würde man mehr Zeit zu brauchen das zu abbrechen. Vielleicht ich bin wirklich ein mazohist. Aber ich hoffe dass nicht. Natürlich ich fühle es, dass hat sehr weh getan, und ich werde es nachher, morgen noch fühlen, aber das reicht. Ich bin zu müde, und wenn ich bin müde ich kann alles machen, weil ich kann nichts verlieren, und ich denke nicht. Und natürlich, ich bin frech. Und von mein frech kommt zu viel kraft. Du hattest diese woche sehr viel zu tun (Das ist das leben, und ich hatte auch sehr viel zu tun). , ich habe auch gedACHT, dass ich soll dich nicht stören, oder nicht schreiben. Du schreibst vielleicht wenn du hast Zeit.

Aber ich habe nicht gefühlt, dass ich bin aufgepasst,niemand interressiert sich für micht nicht :-P Und davon kommt ein grosses gefühl von freiheit, und ein grosses neugierigkeit, eine grosse protestierung. Wenn ich frech bin das ist ein Zeichen. Wie weit kann ich jetzt gehen? Ich denke, ich bin frei geboren. Ich werde immer sehen, immer suchen, wo meine Grenzen sind. Darüber habe ich am tag gedacht. Ich bin in gedanken wirklich frei. Es ist egal, was ich mache, wo ich lebe, ich werde es sowieso geniessen, und ich werde niemamls probleme haben etwas zu verlieren, etwas verlassen. Natürlich es tut sehr weh immer auch die kleinste kontakt in meinem leben zu verlieren, weil ich bin so neugierig, so hungrig für das leben. aber es gehört zum leben. Und ich war nur 3 jahre alt wenn ich musste zweimal etwas sehr sehr wichtiges in meinem leben verlieren (erstens mein grossvater, der war immer mit mir, und zweitens ich war ins krankenhaus, ich bin fast gestorben, und durch 2wochen meine eltern könnten mich nicht besuchen weil es war verboten in ungarn damals. Und nach sie mich nach hause gebracht hatten, ich habe kein wort für wochen zu meinem eltern gesagt. Das ist ein normals reakcion ein kind, der hat durchgelebt, das ihre eltern verlassen sie, und ich war zu klein zu verstechen, dass sie konnten mich nicht besuchen.Sie waren dort nur einmal, und haben durch den glass mich geguckt, und ich habe nur geschrien, protestiert, dass ich muss zu meiner mutter, die artze haben auch von mir weggenommen die mich an hause errinerte, mein kleines hund, mein kleines spielchen, Und ich habe geschrien wenn ich meine familie durch den glasswand gesehen habe, aber es passierte nichts, niemand hat zu mir gekommen. Sie hatten ein kleines sehr krankes kind schreien lassen, weil sie wird sowieso aufhören. Es tut so weh zu meiner mutter daran zu errinnern, weil nach der krankenhaus ich habe sie für tagen ignoriert,ich war so resigniert. Ich weiss nicht warum ich es erzählt habe, entschuldigung, ich wollte dich damit nicht stören.).

BDSM ist freiheit auch. In einem anderen Wegen. :-D

Die letzte 4 minuten waren ziemlich schwer. :-D Aber ich habe protestiert, und ich werde sowieso stark sein. Weil ich wollte das durchleben:-P. Wenn ich habe diese laune, dann ich bin sehr nett, aber vielleicht würde es in der wirklichkein mit weinen, und mit einem grossen submission beenden. Weil hinter den grossten Protestierung ist die grosste sehnsucht nach aufgepasst zu sein, nach submission, und dominancie. Weil es zeigt wie sehr sich man nach Dominancie benötigt. Und ich würde sicherlich weinen, und mich entschuldigen wie schlecht ich war.

Jetzt ich habe noch Kraft:-P. Aber Danke.

Ich werde nicht so frech sein, also das hat funkzioniert.

Antwort

Ich antworte hier. Meine weibliche tagen sind am wochenende vorbei. Diese wochenende. Die geilheit kommt nicht. Die letzetn wochen ich war sehr verlassen, und ich brauchte einige aufpassung. Jetzt ich fühle schon wohl:-D. I am a witch. beautiful, powerfull, control of my life, my body. Now I am a harmful witch, who wants to bring something good. But maybe if I want, I have the power to give something bad also.

Ich war heute so müde, dass ich habe mit einem Jungen gesprochen, und ich habe gefühlt, ich schwindle, und wenn ich nicht aufpasse ich werde zum grund fallen:-D Es ist ein sehr interressantes gefühl, gar nicht so schlecht:-D. Ein desire, longing nach schlafen. Heute abend, noch salsa, dann lernen,lernen, lernen, lernen, lernen. 40 seiten in englisch:-D insgesamt 500 neue wörter:-D Ganz unmöglich. Ich möchte etwas schon mit meiner handen machen, ich möchte zeichnen. Ich möchte klettern gehen:-D eine neue sprache lernen, ich möchte schreiben. Ich möchte die beste in englisch sein:-D Ich möchte reisen. And I won a quarrel about men, with my mother:-D It was such a good feeling.

Maybe that was a mistake, that i wrote now here. I dont know. It will turn out. But anyway, it doesnt matter:-D. It is just some sentences:-DDDD

Spiel spiel spiel

I will succeedd:-D This week, I see the end:-D

I am longin for Friday:-D for Friday:-DDDDDDDDDDD When I will meet my girlfriend:-D We will go to dance:-D dance dance:-D And sleep and sleep and sleep.

I am crazy, too tired, too crazy:-D. I love to be crazy, to be happy, to think of nothing:-D.Just smile:-D


Today my classmates thougth i must have smoked a gras, I began to laugh on everything, or on nothing:-D. But then they began to laught too:-D I made them happy:-D. Actually I am so tired, that I am unable to think, to do anything, but I do because I want to succeed, i dont want to fail, so my tireness comes out of laughing:-D
Today I made a pure little boy in shame. We asked something from him to do (but it was something what was good for him not for us, some paperwork for school), and he began to talk when he could do it. Then suddenly I smileyed, looked up at him:-D How you stand means, that your answer is no. His face began so red immediately:-D, and he gave me right:-D Men can not lie. :-D


I want to play so much:-D today :-D:-DDDDD

Pythagoras-an old story

It was a shining morning. The sun told everybody that today all dream can come trul. It smiled into a small house, where a man was lying. The glasses of wine showed a vivid, wild night. Near the man there was a little too young girl, who was probably sold by her family for some food for one night. She didnt have a pleasant night, her drops from tears were still on her face, while she slept. Outsdie the house, the city began slowly to awake. The children played on the road. Played to be a soldiers, playing killing games.
A stone was dropped into the house that made the two sleeping person awake. The girl did not dare to move. THe man was so angry, angry with women.. He looked at her, wodered how any man yould love such creatures, such animals. A woman is never able to do any intelligent things. A woman is nothing. ONly a man can fully understood the meaning of love. The love that can only egzist between men. Eros. THe little creature, and god for love. He suddenly stood up. Grapped the girl by hair, and trow her out with some coin.

He needed to be alone, and think again trought this day. This is only his das. The day of revenge, and revolution, and again REVENGE. He will kill that stupid old man. The magician, the master. He has the possibility to destroy the famous school. To give back all humilitation. He will never be able to forget the day when he was refused from the school. He wanted it so much, he desided so terrible to be a student of the famous master. And then he was refused, and trown out. That they he promised the revenge. He was the son of Priamos, who owns the whole region. He couldnt be humilitated by noone. Never.

This day was the day of revenge. Two little boy disappeared from the village and were found dead one week later. The people were mad. There were no murders, no signs, no suspections. The only suspected was the school. The school of the great mathematitian, the school of occultism. The people always feared him, when he moved to the city. People talked about that he had magical power, his legs are gold, he can do magic.

----------

It was afternoon when the school was under the control of the son of Priamos. They couldnt find the Master, and it was also impossible to escape. The whole city was controlled. He could not escape. There should be secret rooms, of the school a secret way. He became more and more angry as time passed without succession. It would be soon too late. and if the darkness will fall, the master can escape easily. And he will loose the opportunity to kill the hated master. He was waiting more and more impatiently.

--------

-You are looking for something-said a cold voice when he lost his hope. The voice came from a woman, and sound like a crystall. She was like a witch, in her eyes the wanting, the longing, the braveness. He beautiful pale face showed that she couldnt believe in the world anymore, and she so could control it. She seemed not like other women, much more a boy.
-Come with me. I show you what you are looking for. and she added in cold killing voice
He agreed because he could not anymore thing, waht can happen, he wanted only to kill the master, so he followed the girl.
-I will kill you if you tell not the trueth.- No answer came. And they went into the secret rooms, the secret ways, to a secret place near the harbour, where the old man was waiting. He told nothing just looked at both of them. That was the moment, when he realised that that is a fucking trap, The last humilitation from the man. Just to show him, that the son of Priamos, is unable to kill him. Unable to catch him.
He attaced, then everything happend so fast.
The great master began to run with the girl. He followed them, but they were to fast. They were running to the beach to the harbour where some were waiting in a boot.
-----

When he reached them. the mathematitian was nowhere, disappeared, and the girl was kneeling in the sand. His anger rised, and found the girl. He wanted at least kill this renegate. At least to see her blood. He hit her,but she didnt scream Suddenly he realised her face, her mouth that was cursing the mathematitian who left her here to die. She wanted to die also.

The son of Priamos realised in this moment, that now they both are bound together in their will of revenge. He knew that this girl will follow the master till she can kill him. And she will help him.

Bleeding

I am bleeding. Bleeding from inside.

THis is a punishment of a god I dont believe in. Why only the women?How can I learn to accept this? This is that show that I am a woman. nothing more. That Eve has eaten from an apple, that was cursed, and took with her the man. Who was cursed after that too. YOu will bear your childs with pain. What is the punishment for men for being committed a crime, too?

THis is a lost, a little simbolic abort. THe sign of a lost of an opportunity. The opportunity of a new life. Perhaps it is a sign of wasting one more opportunity to be immortal, to live forever in our children. This is a sign, that you were again too lazy, nobody could have you. You were not enough successfull in finding the right man in order to get the best child, that can survive. Evolutionary by no an animal could happen that a female is not becaming pregnant soon. ONly by the mankind. WE want to control everything. If I would born 100 years earlier, it could not happen that I am not a mother yet, that I am not a wife. Only if no man would want me.Perhaps I already would die for giving life for somebody.

This is a half child, bleeding out. And IT is so interesting. The half is in men, and the half is in women. For men loosing the opportunity is an enjoy, for women it is pain, smell, blut. For men it is a second, for women it is a week. The period that controls everything.

Before the period wants for sex sex sex, hunger for life.

During period, being submissive, normal, accept everything.

After the period again slowly hunger for life again.

The body is preparing for the next opportunity, slowly bilding up a warm, safe place for a baby, slowly awaking hormons that say to men, hey I am here, beautiful, young, and potential partner. During period no orgasm, no longing, no temptations. Just waiting.Waiting for the next time, the next chance, that surely comes.

Control, stability, the only thing that shows that we are alive, being a potential mothers all the time.

If a women does not have a period, can only be a child, too old, or ill, or pregnant. No other opportunity.

One week

It's one week since I left Germany. And now the second missing comes. I am missing my friends. I am missing, that I could touch them, hug them. I miss you too. Here, in hungary, we are cold, and you cant touch anybody, these has strict rules. Yes I also like to be here, because this is where I was born, where I belong to maybe. But I think I will belong to that place, where my heart will belong to. But I need to do something now. To jump big, to try what I am able to. Nobody understands it. I want to be free. (And owned:-P)

My heart wants to concentrate on other things. It is unpatient, want to live from now. But now I have really no time. I have to do more, than I have time. It is too much for me, and i wait the time I can relax. Every day I am late at home, I have 42 classes/week, and then my homeworks, what I must do. This crazy thing is till december. From december I will have more time. I was thinking about what I would do if I could start my life again. I want to be an artist. I always wanted to be. But my parents decided earlier, what I am good in, so slowly I forget, but till 18 I was sure, that I will be an artist one day. Artist of handworks. I want to create new things. From glass, wood, textils, and from everything. I would read, I would write, I would translate, go where I want, and love everything, and everybody. And I would travel. I want to travel this summer somewhere. Somewhere dangerous:-D

It would be such a good thing to know, that sometimes You think of me. I dont know how I should behave with you. Because I get closer, and closer to that fact, that I open myself more and more. I dont know if You recognize this or not. And I fear litte that what If you dont want that i will be open. So please tell it if not.

My mother knows somethings. I dont know what, but every day she comes in, and talks about perversion, that it is an illness. :-DDD

About the task: This was the easiest task I could get. I slept a lot, i was relaxed, and to mastrubate in every 2 hours, was really charming, i would say it was not enough. Because I had it not done for 1 week, I was the whole day wet, and I could do even more times. So Thanks YOu FOr THis Greatful Opportunity, this made me really happy. I dont know how I can give something so pleasant to you too:-D I am thinking:-PPPP

Some surprise of hungarian songs(I was thinking what I could send you):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdqUYASQXjA&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63Czb9v1dE0&mode=related&search=

Nur so:-P

"There is a difference" laughed Hassan, "between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself." Tribesmen of Gor

"He took me by the hair and thrust my head down to the furs. "A man can truly love only that woman," he said, "who is truly his, who belongs to him. Otherwise he is only a part to a contract." "A woman," I said, "can love only that man to whom she truly belongs." "To whom do you truly belong, Slave?" he asked."To you, Master," I said."You please me, Slave Girl," he said. Slave Girl of gor

It is always the hardest to write about feelings. So direkt. I love to hide all thing, all secret feelings in stories. Till I was 18 I had tousands of stories, tales, short stories. One of the best time of my life. I had always had an answer for my questions. TO understand my feelings, I should tell some about my storys. About a story that is not too interesting, not full of myth. But it is my story. I always dreamed about power. To get power, to hold it in my hands, to realise everything I just can dream. And to get controlled. Not by anyone, or anything.My favourite book was when I was young, the Graf von Monte Christo. And I had fallen in love immediately in Edmond Dantes. Later, I read the Memoires of a Doctor, who manipulated woman, and could control them. There is a chapter I had read several several times. From that time I wanted to be as intelligent as I can, and I wanted to be the best partner for a man. I always thought, that me, as a partner should be nice, charming, full of secrets, obsession, sacrefision, and intelligent. And I thought, that a man should be intelligent, and to have the power on me. After this two books, I imagined, that i live there in that age, and slowly I realised, that I have my own world in my mind. One world I dont want to talk about. Later I lost it, it was taken from me. This is an other story too.
I was born a submissive I think. I wanted to forget this always in me, to burn in me. But I think I will never be able to do that. Even if I dont do it, I dont play, I have to know what I am. ANd I can feel myself so beautiful, such an excited woman, if I play. If I have some gheisa balls in me, and I walk around, I am much more a woman, than ever before. When I first played this kind of game, it was an amazing feeling. And I know, that once when maybe I will do it in reality, and I will be able to live this much more intensively out. I would like to be a little treasure for someone, and I would to everything to be considered to being one. I think, that the deepest desire of people is to be loved, it doesnt matter, in what kind of a form, just to be important, and not to be too easy to forget. I am such an idealistic type, I want to see my limits, whether I am able to give everything or not. I dont believe that in reality there egzist any kind of limits in our world, well some maybe, aber not so many as we think. When we are able to believe,that we can do anything, that gives power. Just to be crazy, to give up fast everything, and till we can to follow something, somebody. I hate to be alone, when I am alone, I am angry, angry at the whole world, but if I know that somebody is thinking of me, then it is easyier.
One of my deepest desire, and dream is to submit once. To kneel down, and to know that I am owned, and to get a collar. I dont know why I write about it, because it is now so deep in me, and buried, I would fear to show that. I was learned, and my experiences showed, that I must hide my feelings. I cant open myself, it needs such a trust, such a trust, for that I would need help. The life gives so much, bad, and good thing too, it is so variable, changes so fast, that really good things are rare, and so we should apprecciate it. I think we all are looking for a connection, a relationship, what is stabil in a way, and we could change with the world so easily. One quote of a book crossed my mind. This has no sense here, and does not have any connection to what I am saying, only the last sentence, but I love the quote in whole too, I found it 1 year ago.
"I'm everything you lost. You wont forgive me. My memory kepps getting in the way of your history. There is nothing to forgive. You wont forgive me. I hid my pain even from myself. I revealed my pain only to myself. There is everything to forgive. You cant forgive me.
If only somehow you could have been mine;what would not have been possible in the world?"
You should never tell me to write about my feelings, because I always wanted to be a writer, and if you tell to to write, maybe I will get back this ability, and I will maybe became amazing, who wants to get from the world everything, wants to give everything, and wants to live really deeply, and brave, not like now, that I fear to get hurt, to releave my feelings, to fight for anything. Because I am not able to loose anything more, I cant give everything in it. So I am safe, I get nothing, but I get no hurt too. But it is much more interesting to get hurt, and to dare to live.

. I will talk about think, that have no sense:-D And I will write down sentences I dont want to write, and I write too fast in english. THis is cruelty in a way. Because I have to face myself, my weaknesses, and my dark sides also. And what happens, if I am not ready to face myself?
Actually I was too serious, I am never too serious, I am better a living, wild, little girl, who adors to play:-PPP, only before my period., and actually I was not about to write this, But, but
About, how I cannot manipulate You. But I try it so so hard. Well, my things are limited. YOu cannot see my charming, smilying face, my adorable movements, how I would try to impress You, to make you forget everything that is too serious, or bad, and to make happy. Or to rebell, and to fight, Until suddenly I would be "broken".

I love if a man is intelligent, I always test men, how I can manipulate them, and who can see this, or feel, and can surprise me, is as in ungarn I would say, fucking good experience. Actually I was little bit shocked, or surprised. The first time I could not really control a situation like that so I wanted. But I dont give up.:-P I love to play:-D

Brief2

Brief

Was ausgeblieben ist:-D

Also was ich sollte musste oder könnte sagen am Freitag, aber wollte nicht:
Wenn ich hatte mich vor Dir selbstbefriedigt, dann hatte ich mich sehr sehr sehr daran gedacht, dass Dein Schwanz (Es ist schwer dieses Wort zu schreiben) ist in mir. Und wir machen sex. In diesem Moment, ich konnte nur daran denken. Das war das Moment wenn der Gedanke war in meinem Kopf.

Und der Traum:

Zuerst ich war nur aufgeregt, weil ich hatte eine so grosse Sehnsucht um Bestraft zu sein, und geschlagen zu sein an meiner kleines :-P Poo bis ich weinen muss, und wenn ich sitze, dann kann ich das gefühlen für ein paar Tagen, und mich errinern. Aber wenn ich im Traum aufgeregt ist, dann es ist schrecklich, ich kann nicht ein orgasm haben, weil meine Hände sind noch zu schwach dafür.

Wenn ich war schon ein bisschen aufgewacht, dann ich konnte schon mir helfen. und habe das sex mit Dir vorgestellt. Das war sowie zusammen mit meiner "spanking" Traum. So, das war von hinten. natürlich:-P. Damit während der sex, Du kannst das auch schlagen:-D Ich habe das nie probiert. Aber eine meiner lieblings Fantasien.Ich bin auf dem Bett auf Händen und Füssen, total nakt. Du warst nicht nakt in meinem Traum. Nur was war nötig war. :-P. Ich liebe auch das kontrast, wenn ich bin total nakt, und mein Partner ist gekleidet. Der sex ist nicht so zärtlich. Ja, es fängt zärtlich an, aber schnell nicht. Ich wollte in dem Traum fühlen, das ich bin besitzt. Und mein ganzes Körper ist besitzt, ich bin von Dir gestreichelt, meine Büste, meine pussy wird hart gepackt/gepickt?? (keine achnung über das Wort). Manchmal ich bewege mich, manchmal nur Du, manchmal ich war geschlagen an mein Poo. Und das habe ich mehr mehr mals mir vorgestellt. Anders errinere ich nicht, weil ich sollte diese Sachen früher nachdem ich Träume abschreiben.

Zu Hause-alleine

Ich bin wieder zu Hause. Und ich möchte nicht zu Hause sein. Natürlich es ist gut hier zu sein, aber doch ich möchte nicht hier sein. Das ist nicht mein Weg. ich wollte immer weg. Irgenwohin. Ich wollte immer reisen. Ich wollte finden wo ich leben könnte. In Ungarn, in meiner Region nicht. Ich muss mich probieren, wie viel ich schaffen kann. Ich mag ungarischen nicht:-D

Zitaten (Spruch) die ich nicht mag, und sind echt Ungarisch:

-Die Frau die sex liebt, ist eine slut

-wenn ein mann scheisst in seinem Hut, und dann tragt er den Hut passiert nichts, eine Frau ist ein Milch, wenn ein es ein bischen smutzig ist, kann man schon sehen.

Wenn ich Finland war, ich wollte zu Hause kommen, mich ausruhen. Nach Deutschland ich möchte nicht zu Hause sein. Ich möchte zurückgehen. Jetzt ich bin wieder alleine zu Hause, und ich werde noch lange alleine sein. weil ich muss andere Sachen mich konzentrieren. Manchmal ich mag alleine zu sein, manchmal nicht.

Ich hatte in der nacht einen Traum. Ich war schon wach, aber nicht so wach, das ich zu sehr es kontrollieren konnte. Ich habe an eine Sache gedacht, und durchgefüllt, durch Selbstbefriedigung.:-D :-D ja ja, ich habe schlechte Fantasien:-D

Ich habe eine Frage: was hätte passieren können, wenn ich hätte um sex gebeten am Freitag? Wenn ich hätte alles machen dazu? Wenn ich hätte mich darbringen, bieten, und betlen/beschwören? Hätte das ein Risk sein? Ich hätte kein Angst, dass ich werde abegesagt, zurückgesagt, weil dass ist normal für micht, das ich werde abgesagt. Es ist so selten wenn ich möchte so so sehr sex mit jemandem haben.

Dieses nacht habe ich mich vorgestellt (Was, und wie, schreibe ich nicht:-D ich bin in shame :-P ), das es passiert ist. Das ich habe sex mit Dir gehabt.

Wie es angefangen hat?

Ich möchte darüber schreiben. Sicherlich. Ich habe das auch am Samstag angefangen, wenn habe ich auf das Flugzeug gewartet. Auf Ungarisch. Dann ich habe das wieder angefangen zu schreiben, auf Englisch. Aber ich hatte so viele Gedanken in mein Kopf, dass ich brauche dazu Zeit. Ich meine, dass ich bin glücklich, dass alles zu mir passiert ist.
Ich werde hier darüber später schreiben, in ein paar Tagen, in zwei Wochen vielleicht. Jetz ich vermisse nocht Dich zu sehr dazu. Ich vermisse auch sehr viele andere Sachen, aber jetzt Dich am besten. Ich weiss nicht wie das passieren könnte. Ich achte immer sehr sehr darauf, dass ich nicht so schnell gefühle habe. Ich werde neugierig sein wie lange es dauert, weil ich kenne dieses Gefühl nicht. Und ich spreche niemals niemals über meine Gefühle. Hier wird es auch sehr schwer sein. Also bitte pass auf, wenn du fühlst, das ich schreibe nicht darüber:-D dann ich brauche Hilfe dazu. Über Gefühlen zu reden ist eine Schuld, oder Sünde. Ich habe das immer gelernt wenn ich Kind war. Das ist auch ein Kampf mit mir, dass zu sagen, zum Beispiel, dass ich vermisse dich.
Also ich werde später darüber schreiben wie das angefangen war:-P Jetzt habe ich eine andere Topic in meinem Kopf.
Besser einmal zu leben, als niemals:-D :-P