Nur so:-P

"There is a difference" laughed Hassan, "between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself." Tribesmen of Gor

"He took me by the hair and thrust my head down to the furs. "A man can truly love only that woman," he said, "who is truly his, who belongs to him. Otherwise he is only a part to a contract." "A woman," I said, "can love only that man to whom she truly belongs." "To whom do you truly belong, Slave?" he asked."To you, Master," I said."You please me, Slave Girl," he said. Slave Girl of gor

It is always the hardest to write about feelings. So direkt. I love to hide all thing, all secret feelings in stories. Till I was 18 I had tousands of stories, tales, short stories. One of the best time of my life. I had always had an answer for my questions. TO understand my feelings, I should tell some about my storys. About a story that is not too interesting, not full of myth. But it is my story. I always dreamed about power. To get power, to hold it in my hands, to realise everything I just can dream. And to get controlled. Not by anyone, or anything.My favourite book was when I was young, the Graf von Monte Christo. And I had fallen in love immediately in Edmond Dantes. Later, I read the Memoires of a Doctor, who manipulated woman, and could control them. There is a chapter I had read several several times. From that time I wanted to be as intelligent as I can, and I wanted to be the best partner for a man. I always thought, that me, as a partner should be nice, charming, full of secrets, obsession, sacrefision, and intelligent. And I thought, that a man should be intelligent, and to have the power on me. After this two books, I imagined, that i live there in that age, and slowly I realised, that I have my own world in my mind. One world I dont want to talk about. Later I lost it, it was taken from me. This is an other story too.
I was born a submissive I think. I wanted to forget this always in me, to burn in me. But I think I will never be able to do that. Even if I dont do it, I dont play, I have to know what I am. ANd I can feel myself so beautiful, such an excited woman, if I play. If I have some gheisa balls in me, and I walk around, I am much more a woman, than ever before. When I first played this kind of game, it was an amazing feeling. And I know, that once when maybe I will do it in reality, and I will be able to live this much more intensively out. I would like to be a little treasure for someone, and I would to everything to be considered to being one. I think, that the deepest desire of people is to be loved, it doesnt matter, in what kind of a form, just to be important, and not to be too easy to forget. I am such an idealistic type, I want to see my limits, whether I am able to give everything or not. I dont believe that in reality there egzist any kind of limits in our world, well some maybe, aber not so many as we think. When we are able to believe,that we can do anything, that gives power. Just to be crazy, to give up fast everything, and till we can to follow something, somebody. I hate to be alone, when I am alone, I am angry, angry at the whole world, but if I know that somebody is thinking of me, then it is easyier.
One of my deepest desire, and dream is to submit once. To kneel down, and to know that I am owned, and to get a collar. I dont know why I write about it, because it is now so deep in me, and buried, I would fear to show that. I was learned, and my experiences showed, that I must hide my feelings. I cant open myself, it needs such a trust, such a trust, for that I would need help. The life gives so much, bad, and good thing too, it is so variable, changes so fast, that really good things are rare, and so we should apprecciate it. I think we all are looking for a connection, a relationship, what is stabil in a way, and we could change with the world so easily. One quote of a book crossed my mind. This has no sense here, and does not have any connection to what I am saying, only the last sentence, but I love the quote in whole too, I found it 1 year ago.
"I'm everything you lost. You wont forgive me. My memory kepps getting in the way of your history. There is nothing to forgive. You wont forgive me. I hid my pain even from myself. I revealed my pain only to myself. There is everything to forgive. You cant forgive me.
If only somehow you could have been mine;what would not have been possible in the world?"
You should never tell me to write about my feelings, because I always wanted to be a writer, and if you tell to to write, maybe I will get back this ability, and I will maybe became amazing, who wants to get from the world everything, wants to give everything, and wants to live really deeply, and brave, not like now, that I fear to get hurt, to releave my feelings, to fight for anything. Because I am not able to loose anything more, I cant give everything in it. So I am safe, I get nothing, but I get no hurt too. But it is much more interesting to get hurt, and to dare to live.

. I will talk about think, that have no sense:-D And I will write down sentences I dont want to write, and I write too fast in english. THis is cruelty in a way. Because I have to face myself, my weaknesses, and my dark sides also. And what happens, if I am not ready to face myself?
Actually I was too serious, I am never too serious, I am better a living, wild, little girl, who adors to play:-PPP, only before my period., and actually I was not about to write this, But, but
About, how I cannot manipulate You. But I try it so so hard. Well, my things are limited. YOu cannot see my charming, smilying face, my adorable movements, how I would try to impress You, to make you forget everything that is too serious, or bad, and to make happy. Or to rebell, and to fight, Until suddenly I would be "broken".

I love if a man is intelligent, I always test men, how I can manipulate them, and who can see this, or feel, and can surprise me, is as in ungarn I would say, fucking good experience. Actually I was little bit shocked, or surprised. The first time I could not really control a situation like that so I wanted. But I dont give up.:-P I love to play:-D